Parenting 101 For Serial Killers*

  1. Children are not for killing. Not even when they are teenagers.
  2. Just because they are twins doesn’t mean no will notice if one goes missing.
  3. Changing a nappy is a skill as much as a knack. Just like stabbing.
  4. It is never a good idea to bring your work home. This applies to non-serial killers too.
  5. No bodies in the fridge, please. Only baby milk and ice cream.
  6. No, it is not a good idea to name your child after an infamous serial killer. I know he is your idol, but it brings too much attention. You don’t want that, right?
  7. While your child is a baby, always keep baby milk warm and ready. When they grow up, always make sure there is food for them. You don’t want your after-kill-high to be spoilt by a crying child.
  8. Investing in a babysitter is a solid plan. Once she outgrows her usefulness, you can go to work.
  9. Bullies are obstacles for your child to overcome. Do not permanently remove those obstacles. It hampers a child’s growth and denies their chance to be self-reliant. Instead, guide them to take out those obstacles permanently — the way only you can.
  10. It is normal to think about killing your own child. Everybody does.

*All points are assuming the other parent is no more. Because, you are you.


Akshay G. is trying hard to convince his girlfriend that he is not a serial killer. The above piece does not work in his favor.

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