Hi I’m an Avocado, apparently I go with everything.
Don’t like avocados? Tough, because they’re fucking everywhere.
Other than reading the book ‘Avocado baby’ as a child, I don’t remember ever being subjected to an avocado until I turned 23 and started working in London.
Very much like the baby on the cover of said book, I have become particularly red in the face from the weight of pressure felt from this totalitarian piece of fruit.
How did they do it? Where did they come from?
In the same way that any new girlfriend of Justin Bieber would instantly rise to fame, avocados chose to get into bed with a household favourite for a mutually beneficial relationship.
That’s right, Avocados used eggs as a platform to elevate themselves from the occasional fruit bowl up to breakfast, lunch and even dessert menus.
Unlike a new kid in class, who would be naturally received with an air of suspicion, everyone embraced avocados with open arms as if the old age questions was:
“What came first? The chicken or the egg and avocado?”
Avocados aren't stupid, they could see perfectly well that their light green interior was the perfect contrast to a vivid orange yolk.
The submissive eggs were just happy to be revived and distanced from their association with greasy spoon cafes and budget sandwiches.
Little did they know that their partnership with avocados would soon be the living wet dream of every yoga practising, Instagram filter testing, ingredient checking millennial in the country.
You see they've become so much more than a fruit, they’re a brand. Posing as the symbol of health and vitality as they dictate Instagram on Sunday mornings to make other breakfast foods feel worthless, unhealthy and not quite green enough.
It’s got to the point where other foods and drinks are masquerading as avocados in an attempt to feel loved or at least accepted. Bananas happily cast aside their yellow roots to take on a vivid green appearance in juice form alongside other imposters such as Apples and Mangos.
Instagram is only scratching the surface, let’s take a look at just how far it’s gone in the physical world.
Here’s a typical popular, albeit pretentious, London breakfast menu.
Jesus I feel claustrophobic just looking at it.
They may as well just bring avocados over immediately with the jug of tap water and cutlery (by cutlery I mean avocado mashers).
Not only do avocados smugly feature on 80% of the breakfast options, but they then have the audacity to be featured in the extras section at a higher price than a pork & leek sausage.
So, If like myself you detest avocados, you’re forced to eat gnocchi for breakfast which I didn't even realise was a thing? Then If that doesn't take your fancy you’re left with bacon and fish, which again, is very new to me.
You see they dominate menus with such ruthless force that any dish not featuring an avocado is left feeling muddled with a distinct lack of purpose. They wait, nervous, to either be discarded off the menu or reinvented with an avocado twist.
Gone are the good old days where vegetarians would have a hard time with restaurant menus. These days meat eaters are left feeling insecure and alienated for not wanting to mash up an avocado beside all 3 of their daily meals.
Over time I’ve gradually been made to feel like some sort of heretic for resisting the sinister charm of the ‘good kind of fat’ to the point where people say:
“Oh you’re just trying to be different.”
Let’s look at the other foods that are considered strange or suspicious not to like:
- Ice cream
- Fizzy drinks
You notice a theme right? How on earth has a healthy food managed to sit itself amongst these unhealthy big hitters within the space of about two years?
By riding the wave of the health craze that has swept the nation, that’s how.
Like avoiding sitting next to people on the tube, avocados have managed to effortlessly ingrain themselves within our culture. It would be little surprise to find tourists ditching the classic Union Jack merchandise in favour of their new found love for avocados.
The message is clear here, avocados are essentially an extra set of lungs, pumping green fatty goodness all over the country.
But is it just a fad? Have they had their moment?
I worry that they’re only just getting started.
Now, please correct me if I’m wrong, but the type of people who would purchase avocado butter are the type of people to eat avocado on toast.
Therefore I can’t help but wonder just how many of them have ever thought to themselves:
“This avocado on toast could do with some avocado butter.”
Avocado toothpaste? Avocado shoe polish? Avocado FM?
While I fear that this may come across as the rantings of a bitter avocado hater, it’s actually much bigger than that.
It’s about a nation’s dangerous reliance on an attention seeking, fame hungry, plate hogging, Instagram whoring, shape shifting piece of fruit.
The sooner we can start treating avocados like the optional pieces of food they are, the sooner we can prepare ourselves for the harsh reality of an inevitable change in the ever shifting tides of food trends.