Moments Where I Didn’t Speak My Mind
AKA where my better judgement won out against my emotions.
A short list of responses that did not leave my mind. You know, the thoughts or immediate responses that you would say if you could replay a moment or live without consequences. Or if you have reached a level of apathy and self-confidence that many envy.
Context may or may not be given as to what provoked my thought or why I didn’t say it. I don’t care. (I’m aspiring to attain a higher form of social apathy.)
“Bitch, I don’t have time for this. Ain’t nobody got time for this.”
As a white woman speaking to another white woman, this would not have played well.
“Like you have done anything worthwhile in your life to lecture me on how to market in an industry you neither have experience in nor understand.”
Someone asking me, condescendingly if I have done marketing on my books after I admitted my sales were not great. The frustration within in was so potent I almost broke. But I didn’t. I remained polite as much as I could muster.
“I’ve been browsing reddit mindlessly and reading fanfiction. Yea, I’ve been very productive.”
When asked what I had been doing for the past two hours (or was it three?) I can’t help it. The time goes away and my productivity cycle isn’t some sustained machine. It comes in bursts and shrivels away. Deal with it. I get things done on my time, not yours.
“Your ignorance is so astounding that I am having trouble formulating a response.”
I have thought this many a time. Too many times. I know others have too. I feel all your pain as I am sure you feel mine.
“Kanye West is a musical genius, something you are not.” And a tirade of examples and vaguely concealed insinuations that the person listening to me is prejudiced/uncultured/an idiot.
It isn’t my job to defend Kanye’s rep. It is everyone’s job to realize that the person != the product and when a musician, regardless of whether you like them or not, has massively influenced the genre and the industry. As a fan, however, sometimes I do get tempted to say this. But, more often than not, I hold my tongue because arguing with people filled with hate and ignorance is not something I enjoy.
“I have no idea what your name is.”
To various individuals that I had extended conversation with on multiple, repeated occasions. People I consistently talked to. People that knew my name, but I did not know their own. I’m bad with names if I haven’t seen a pic/name combo. Odds are, if I never refer to you by name, it is because I don’t remember it and I’m too proud to admit it.
And the one time where the reverse happened. AKA where my emotions won out against my better judgement.
Sometimes those two words are the hardest to say. They signify the closing of some moment. Could be a moment made up of decades, years, days, hours, or even minutes.
Ends, like beginnings, are hard. Beginnings imply the potential for continuation, but ends offer no such solace. They can be final, and if there is anything I am afraid of or hate, it is the possibility of no turning back. No chances for change or evolution. Finality.
Good-byes are just a small aspect of that. A good-bye could be one of hundreds more. Or it could be the last. No one knows.
So by withholding that pair of words, I am rejecting the situation. Saying no to the potential for finality and letting it always be half-done and half-said. It isn’t satisfying, but the alternative isn’t either.
What a Catch-22.
Guess that’s life.